Fear

In a few days I will be entering the hospital to have surgery. I have finally decided to have knee replacement surgery after suffering with pain and physical limitations for years. I don’t think I’m afraid so much about the pain from the surgery as I am about the details after. I tend to be the type of person that worries about the details. Like how will I respond to the strong pain medications? I’ve had problems with nausea before when I was given them. I hate being nauseated. I would rather be in pain. Crazy huh? I know that once I have the surgery over with my fears will start to subside as they always do. The lead up to the event is often much more stressful than the actual event. I know I will be fine but this is the first time I’ve had to go through such a big event without Daryl by my side. I miss him. I never thought I would be doing these things alone.

If all goes well I should be home after 5 days but from what I understand, the rehabilitation will be slow. I will need to rely on people to do some things for me. I think for the first time I’m finally starting to understand how Daryl felt during his illness. To be helpless and not be able to do certain day to day tasks that you have done your whole life is horrible.

Yet I know many others have walked this path before me and managed just fine. So why does my head still want to fret and worry? I think because of the unknown. If I had a crystal ball that would let me see into the future and see the hurdles I would need to overcome I could prepare for them. Maybe it comes down to losing control. I do not like losing control. Those are the times when I get the most freaked out.

The good thing is I have at least a hundred things to do before I go for surgery. With any luck my mind won’t have time to dwell on the surgery too much.

Pray for me. Please! 🙂